Second Day of Layoff

Yesterday I opened my door to the backyard, inhaling a pocket of morning air.  Something was odd… the air smelled like renewal.  Which is representative of spring, but for me, it’s come to symbolize true beginnings.

It made me think of two words – Thank U.

That was the song I dialed up on my ipod as I pieced together breakfast with the back door ajar allowing this new smell to drift inside.

There’s one bridge in this tune that resonates strongly with me.

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

That’s when I found myself sobbing into a steaming bowl of oatmeal.  This was the second crying jag.  I held it together nicely during the besiege, it was obvious I needed to grieve.

The first crying incident happened Wednesday as I read Monica Wong’s comment.  Her elegant way with language touched me, “Those four walls didn’t know what they had.”

Salty tears poured out in waterfall fashion.  Her comment released me from the past.  It was literally waking up from a bad dream.  One I had let endure for 7 years.  I thought back to incidents of peer humiliation, the glaring lack of support from management or HR, the misogynist atmosphere where any movement a woman made was to book flights or order lunch for a massive sales meeting.  I was set free from numbness.  And that’s what I felt midly those first 5 years, and loudly during the last 2.

A second pledge – I never want to feel dead again, if I can help it.  It makes sense, very forgivable to adopt defense mechanisms in a trying situation.  I just didn’t realize to what level.  I went deep, practically touching the earth’s core.

And no, my sitiuation isn’t riding on starving children or world peace – what may sound decadent is my attempt to convey the experience.

So there I was adding extra water to my oatmeal and a second emotion flowed through me – happiness.  Gratefulness.

I sat outside to eat my breakfast in the sunshine, reveling in my dialed up senses.  Holy shit.  The sun is warm.  I hear birds chirping.  And look!  Cherry blossoms.  So ripe, so alive.

This is it.  All the posts or tweets where I moaned about missing these tiny moments, being cut off from the outside by double glazed windows and choking HVAC air, is gone.

My entire self felt PRESENT.  Not distracted or worried.  Even though worries and coordination is to come, whatever happens now will be on my terms.

This is what it means to see stark beauty in the common.

Trees and sun:

A bed of flowers:

Those treasured cherry blossoms:

The next corner is under construction. I promise to reveal more soon.

Alanis Morissette – Thank U lyrics.

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Tagged as: Laid Off, Travel Inspiration