Some days I court the dark waters of panic. Last night was a doozy.
This might crash and burn. Back to the cubicle.
What if monetizing my site is a fool’s errand?
Sure I’ve been previously published (not paid), played with writing since teenage-hood. Frack – what if nobody hires me??!!
I could be too old, unable to hack long days and nights on the road.
I really really really need more savings.
My god, I could end up adrift in Burma with two cents to my name!
And… begin hyperventilating.
My intentions with this site is to pump you up. Then why am I admitting all of this? Because I’m human. At times I must check in with myself.
Our current world is cluttered with apps, digestible articles at 500 words or less, and time limits. This kind of environment leads to reactive decision making. Pressures surround us, so mindless actions follow in a snap.
The last thing I should do is proceed based on hate. Abhorring my job or criticizing people for purchasing homes or cars is wrong. Knee-jerk posturing is pointless and eventually harmful.
As I forge new friendships and am flummoxed that Nomadic Matt asked to be my friend on Travel Blog Exchange, I live with doubts, swim in fear.
Just when I contemplated throwing in the towel, a new reader sent me this email:
“I understand completely. I am also older, yet keep thinking I need to get out of my job and travel. I admire that you had the courage to do this. The North American cube routing seems hard to give up. Nice, safe bland life that it is. I feel I would regret leaving it, but may regret not leaving more! The social pressure to just stay till retirement from pension plans, family and friends is real. Good luck on your travels.”
I’m flattered this reader calls me brave. I wouldn’t. I call it “hitting the wall”. It was cumulative mind you, but one day it all added up – I could scrape and bear down as others have, incite all my magical powers, but no matter what, I can’t catch up to North American standards. For me to try, will take years and years. It was such a relief knowing this. After this discovery, other aha moments came. I probably wasn’t meant to, even more so, don’t know if I want to.
Hitting the wall meant leaving regrets or the past behind. I was able to shut that door to failures, thus opening myself up to new possibilities.
Another thing – déjà vu – that intangible, prickly sensation lighting up your body when a stranger shakes your hand, but you’re so cert
ain this isn’t a stranger. You can’t help but mention, “I know you from somewhere… “ He or she laughs nervously, responding with amusement, “No, I’m sure we’ve never met before.” You want to grasp at it, this window into a third dimension, an essence of connection or knowing, yet it shifts and dissolves, a powdery substance choked by water in a tumbler.
Every time I write, any occasion I embark on an impulsive solo trip, pieces of that window click into place. It’s difficult to lock into words, but I truly feel like I should be living another life. These thoughts are not fleeting, but full blown – present 24 hours a day.
Am I scared? You better believe it. However, I’m ready to embrace it. In my radio days, I interviewed a friend once, a sassy woman who took up activities like flying a plane or piano playing with apparent ease. I asked her on-air, “Are you always confident?”
“No, absolutely not. Anything new I try could fail. So, I try to believe this: if something scares you, it’s probably because you’re getting close to what you want. Maybe even what you should be doing.”
Bingo. This is my pledge, when I freak out, don’t judge or run away. Simply observe, then take note with respect and awareness. What frightens me could be the very jolt I need.
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
1) Your RTW trip is MONUMENTAL- there’s no way in the world I could plan an itinerary like that and go it all solo. I totally admire your GRRR! courage.
2) I like what Keith said “Fortune favors the bold ”
3) Yes, you are not alone in your panic attacks. I am going thru those freakouts periodically- I don’t have a cubicle…I actually really love my work & walking away during a stagnant period is logical but filled w/ tons of what-ifs. In the end, I think we all know that the choice we make is the right one.
4)Employ tunnel vision. Keep building your plans and know things will work out…they always do.
@Cornelius Aesop – You know, I think you’re right about fear being fuel. Just like you were right about us being cuddly. :-D
I am in no way close to planning such an extravagant travel experience as of now but I can see myself right where you are now when I get closer to my goals. I’m sure that all your reservations will turn to becoming your fuel to keep on traveling along your way. Best of luck.
Keith,
When are you going to unleash that unpublished novel? I know it’s there. :) You’re assessment of my state of mind could be correct. I do feel like I have a lot riding on this, either way, I know these changes are for the better. Always enjoy your insightful comments!
Fortune favors the bold (been saying this a lot lately). I like your analysis – I’m obviously in the same boat. Perhaps there’s this anxiety and fear because you feel so strongly it’s the RIGHT thing to do but you’re worried that it might not turn out right.
We are all creatures of habit, and when we remove our habits we learn exactly what kind of creature we are.
@Lisa (The World is Calling) – it is a constant struggle! And you’re right about children, they are more open and rarely design negative outcomes. It makes sense that many Buddhist teachers begin in childhood.
@ShannonOD – I think you’re right. No worries, there’s no giving up yet!
@GotPassport – I just love your little family, even more that you’re willing to question your current conditions and encourage others so easily. Feeling less alone is half of it.
@Ayngelina – Girl, you’re already on the edge of a great adventure! I think our passions might be equally matched.
@Sofia – Thank you so much! This encouragement just makes me stronger.
@Karenzo – we must accept that doubts are constant, but they are also an opportunity to evaluate why, when, how. I think the second we stop questioning and wither to indifference is death. I’m running lady, hope you’ll keep doing the same!!
@Candice – Awww, thanks. I have no doubts you’ll be doing this. You’re too sassy and curious not to!
You ARE brave, and you’re amazing for doing this! I hope someday I can do the same. Get out there and kick butt!
Thanks for the honest soul baring post, nc. My own trip is now only 10 days away and I every morning I awake to the dialogue in my head about whether I’m doing the right thing. Why don’t we ask ourselves this question when we awake to yet another day at the office or mind numbing routine? Because what’s safe (and boring) neither exhilarates nor freaks us out. Therein lies the rub. You know in your heart of hearts that you are doing the right thing.. scary though it might be. Now RUN WITH IT!!! :)
Don’t panic. There is always a way – if you’re committed. If you’re committed to do this and make it work, I believe life will always work in your favor.
Go girl, you can do this!!!
Hey what’s the worst that can happen? It may not turn out exactly the way you want but it will be so much better than what you have now.
So many people ask me what I plan to do when I get back. I have no idea and that’s okay. Life completely changes in 12 months and I’m open to whatever the world gives me.
You’re really passionate about this and I know you will make it work.
I really enjoyed this post. First of all I can relate. Beautiful writing and I can tell this is something you want, you can just taste it, it’s just right around the corner, so close to your reach, and then BAM you are full of self-doubt and fear. Journaling/writing it out is therapeutic and that is what you have here it seems.
Besides, if you get stranded in Burma, with NO money, you get in contact with me…. we’ll find a way to get you back on track. But I doubt it will happen.. keep on tracking on…..You’ve come this far and you know you’ll go even further!! :-)
hugs!
You’ve made a huge decision to do you solo traveling, so it’s natural to panic. I’d never had a panic attack in my life until the week leading up to my RTW – then a friend was like “dude, calm down, you’re having a panic attack!” My theory holds that if you fear it then you know you’re on the right track :-)
Excellent post. Our family is considering a RTW trip–leaving all we know behind. So we’re dealing with fear…and panic x 5. Interestingly enough, the kids seem much more ready to try. Why do we become more fearful as we get older? Some of it is maturity and getting burned enough to know there’s reason. But if we could just tap into that youthful bravery…
You’re going to do great. I can see from your writing that I’m going to enjoy following you! Blessings on your head, Lisa
Aww, you dudes rock. Shawn, sorry I called you an SOB, even though it was in jest. :)
If you didn’t have a panic attack about something now and then you wouldn’t be human.
Besides if you get stuck somewhere your guaranteed to find at least 3 fellow travelers will to help you out. God only knows they might have been in the same situation before.
I say chin up, march forward and don’t look back.
Pfft, you’ll be totally fine. Maybe even great if you let yourself be :) And you know it.
I’ve run out of money in a foreign country and I didn’t die. You just do the only thing you can – figure out which direction your home country is and start walking.