Welcome to Gypsy Wednesday! Every Wednesday, I strive to highlight all the juicy morsels related to travel and beyond.
From the ashes rises a new explorer of seas and continents… from whence did this magnificent specimen emerge? Why, literature, of course. Every sentient person can name it, a song or novel that deeply affected them. Possibly, summing up your entire existence. She’s Come Undone is mine.
When contemplating that round-the-world trip, an odd emotion might grab hold - guilt. It nags, greets you in the morning, whispers “sweet dreams” at night. Point #5 in Traveling Savage’s article 5 Guilty Travel Thoughts, resonates this sentiment elegantly. Somehow we don’t deserve this experience, whether due to work and family pressures, or battered self-image. If only we could recall our true origins, that path towards travel, or anything you strive for can be clear of thorny bushes and confusing switchbacks.
She’s Come Undone spans the events of Dolores Price, from adolescence to age forty. To say the least, Dolores and I define the Lacan mirror stage. Dysfunctional family. Eating to dull pain. Wearing fat as a shield. Unsocialized. Creative, but debilitating self-esteem. Self-hatred. Hiding in food. Escaping in a man. Rich fantasy life. Unfulfilled sexual yearnings. I have no idea what’s more extreme – me or her? Both stories are too fantastic to be true, yet mine is most definitely real.
As Dolores navigates childhood trauma or massive weight loss, her character is a fragile, broken wing, wrapped in a razor edged cynicism. What I saw in her, I saw in myself. At last, I met my literary sister.
I found myself mouthing the words as I read late into the night, 2 a.m. to be exact, on a weekday to boot. Work and responsibility seemed far away as every sentence mingled with my own memories and experiences.
This short window into Dolores’ life brings a multitude of misfits who somehow end up guiding her, gently showing her the way towards herself.
“People waste their happiness – that’s what makes me sad. Everyone’s so scared to be happy… I’ll give you what I learned from all this. Accept what people offer. Drink their milkshakes. Take their love.” – Mr. Pucci, dying of AIDS (best friend of Dolores)
Her first husband was a selfish artist. Decent, essentially, but self indulgent. It occurred to me that I was her/me in that relationship. How I came home from a hard day’s work to find deficits instead of pluses. He did nothing, wouldn’t lift a finger to find a job, or even clean dishes stewing in rotten water for three days. Just sulk about the state of his art. Oh, the torture of it all.
“You’re moved by it,” he said, smiling. “I thought it was pretty good, too. I think it’s publishable.”
“Dante,” I said. “We have to talk about the future.” But he would only talk about his future as a poet. – Intro to Dante
How I would lie to everyone that it was wonderful. Oh yes, he’s gainfully employed, totally normal. It was clear, Dolores and I were com
plicit liars. How I stood by and waved it away because he was a creative, aching soul who deserved nurturing and respect. How after we broke up I also fell into a Dolores slump – depression.
She meets her second husband, which is foretold by a psychic and an etch-a-sketch. I have yet to meet the man predicted to me by a psychic. With her crass shell intact, she resists this new man in her life, but eventually realizes that love is what Mr. Pucci said – happiness.
I could recount numerous parallels. Even chronologically, in the book she’s in her mid-thirties and attending night school, her interest focused on writing. She pushes through the stupor of self-loathing and pain – into an environment of growth and acceptance. Her hopes and dreams catapult past basic survival.
“Undone,” I wrote in my journal – stare at that word, turn it over. Jack Speight undid me, then I undid myself. But I’ve undone some of the bad, too, some of the damage. With help. With luck and love.. – Dolores Price
By forty it all settles and what was undone is repaired. Still, the end implies her existence is forever evolving. I keep secretly hoping that my story will unwind the same way, because right now I’m Dolores trying to let my potential live and breathe.
Nose first, her grooved body heads straight for the sky. Her muscular tail clears the water, her fins are black wings. The fall back is slower – grace instead of power. She cracks the ocean and, in a white explosion of foam, reenters. I’ve seen her swimming and flying both. I’m soaked in her spray. Christened. I laugh and cry and lick my salty lips. – Dolores reborn
Dolores emboldened me to continue. It was gratifying to find her. Whether the world knows or not, my story exists.
Now feed me your Catcher in the Rye – what book, song, or quote sticks to your ribs and defines your philosophy? Because this treasure you found will be an anchor as you juggle itineraries and hostels, hurtling towards this change you so desire. And deserve.
Photo: @Karin Elizabeth under Creative Commons
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
@Gypsy Chick – I like you more already. :)
Also one of my favorite books. I picked this one up after I read Wally Lambs “I know This Much is True”. I even re-read that one a few times, not something I often do.
@Monica – Obviously you relate to it on some level as well. I’d be interested to read your take. :)
Great post. I have to think of a book that represents my philosophy, but i do know that She’s Come Undone is my favorite book EVER!
@Mark – I utterly relate to you. I feel this keenly at work, a nagging sense of doing something unimportant, not due to my selfish desires, but in relation to nature, community, art, basically – LIFE. Thank you for leaving that quote, could be a new source of inspiration for other readers.
@Keith – Dammit, I thought you would pull out 5 books from your trove! Come back, I’m dying to know.
@Sean – I’ve been watching you and your man! And will be commenting soon on your site. It will be interesting to see how your vision of NZ measures up with reality. You’re working on my crusty exterior, cause Florence and the Machine is one of my fave artists from 2009. I especially love Dog Days Are Over, that song symbolizes a rush towards freedom.
@Shannon OD – It sounds like the book caused you to pause. I was always one to let events or relationships pass through, while I acted passively. Dolores reminded me that hiding or numbing truly paralyzes that next stage in life.
@Karenzo – I am bowled over with excitement for you! Please please please start a new blog! Honest and soul baring is what I’m good at delivering. :)
@Lauren – Yeah, I’ve heard tons about that Thompson book. That could be my next read. Thanks for commenting!
Love the book review, keep em’ coming so I don’t waste my limited reading time on something that isn’t any good. ( I’m reading Chuck Thompson’s, “Smile When You’re Lying” — which is a bit grumpy but insightful in an annoying way.)
nc – i love how you bare your soul so unflinchingly and beautifully in this post. it is inspiring. i wonder if you would like the stone diaries. it spans the life of a woman in chapters that are titled thus ie “birth” through “death”. i didn’t relate to it so much as take from it that you can only aspire to live your best life for noone but you. meanwhile, i am back in south america. making it up as i go. HURRAY for eye opening mind broadening routine defying life fulfilling travel!!! i so cant wait to hear about your own travels already. adios! xo
Really love this post, and you’re insight into how you related to Dolores’ journey just really makes me feel like I understand where you’re coming from and your reasons for picking up and traveling the world. I read this a few years back when I was picking colleges and recall really having a profound discussion with my best friend at the time of how best to tackle the next stage in our lives.
Hey,
nice article. I’m currently re-re-re-reading Lord of The Rings and I’m very excited that I will soon be able to travel there and see it ‘for real’ in New Zealand.
At the moment I’m close to excited travel tears when I hear ‘Cosmic Love’ by Florence + The Machine and although it’s about lost love and nothing about travels – i LOVE it!:
“A falling lling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it’s left me blind
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
Wow, great post! Very deep insight and good on you for finding the inspiration and drive to change.
I’ll need to think about the book question.
I was particularly struck by Herman Hesse’s Narcissus and Goldmund as a teen. Something about Hesse’s storytelling and the themes of reconciling the opposites of art and science struck a chord within me. I’ve always fallen naturally into science and logic, but a big part of me yearns for art and nature. When Goldmund strikes out into the world, he leaves his scholarly friend, Narcissus behind and wanders the country trying to find his place in the world.
“We fear death, we shudder at life’s instability, we grieve to see the flowers wilt again and again, and the leaves fall, and in our hearts we know that we, too, are transitory and will soon disappear. When artists create pictures and thinkers search for laws and formulate thoughts, it is in order to salvage something from the great dance of death, to make something that lasts longer than we do.”
Thinking about it now, I think the reason I’ve always struggled with school and various jobs is that I’ve never felt I was doing anything important. I really just want to create something that matters in some small way.
@Ladyexpat – Love your name by the way. :) Interesting quote, an oldie, but a goodie. I always construed the meaning as be prepared for what you want, because getting it can be full of good, bad or neutral. Yet, no matter, IT is what you wanted! :) Thanks for commenting and stop by again.
I can understand how you can relate to Dolores :)Maybe there is a little of her in most of us.
A quote that I believe in …..
“Be careful what you wish for. It just might come true.”
As a young girl my wish was to travel and travel some more. My wish has certainly come true in spades!