Last Thursday at 10:30 pm, my mother Mary passed away. It was quick, which I’m thankful for. She did not suffer.
She had been living in a nursing home for several years — the last two years of her life in a steady decline. Thursday night her breathing became labored, so they put her on oxygen, but the levels kept dropping, until… the inevitable.
I was not even in Wuxi at the time, but in Changzhou, in the middle of judging a senior high school speech competition. My brother wanted to speak to me on the phone, but there I was stuck in a hotel without the ability to make a long distance call to Canada.
So the news came by email first. I mouthed the words slowly, as though English suddenly became alien and I forgot meaning and grammar. It was odd to receive such explosive news that way. Is this the price I pay for my adopted lifestyle?
I was always fascinated why my mother chose or was given the biblical name of Mary for her Canadian identity. It suggests that she was destined to marry a solid man and bear saintly children.
But no — her name is not Mary. It’s Oi-Lun. She married a man who proved to be the antithesis of dependable, gave birth to children who were rebellious, probably disappointing her more than once. She rode the ups and downs of an unsatisfying marriage, was trapped in a culture she never quite adjusted to, and battled monstrous inner demons that eventually depleted any lust for life.
Until finally the role of parent switched, and she looked upon her children as caregivers. I tried to watch over her, even though I was clumsy at it — thrust with serious responsibility at a tender age. I mourned my missing youth. While most teens were experimenting, my siblings and I took turns ensuring she ingested her medication and didn’t wander from the house.
My mother was not perfect. She raised us based on how she was parented, which was an atmosphere devoid of hugs or tenderness. Enslaved to her place in history, she did the best she could.
Over time I began to see a person who was young once herself, who longed for things. All the things most humans long for and that’s when I decided that despite my mother’s foibles, she was actually a brave woman.
That’s also when I introduced a bit of her story over two years ago, to be honest with myself on why I dismantled my middle-class existence for what some consider an unstable choice.
She traveled over a 1,000 miles to forge an unwritten life in a foreign country. Realize hopes like many of us do. Despite painful setbacks, in many small ways she didn’t give up. To me, that’s leaping in with an open vulnerability, when you have no assurance of how it will end, but you go anyway. I will always admire her for that.
So here we are, all imperfect. Holding on to who we want to be — facing who we are.
She is finally rid of that wheelchair and can grow brave once more — flapping her sleek wings towards the burnt orange sun, the endless blue sky yawning to meet her, as a balmy wind caresses her feathered torso, pushing her towards any destination she desires. My beautiful mother now has ultimate freedom and that makes me soar along with her.
I’m about to embark on an airplane to see her one last time, kiss her on the forehead and wish her well. This is the kind of travel I never wanted to do — avoided thinking about at all costs.
But travel isn’t always about saying ‘hello’, sometimes it’s also about saying goodbye.
For you mom, Poe’s “Fly Away”. It’s time.
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
@Robyn – Don’t worry, I think of it along the same lines as you! But once in a while, I like to do a self-check to make sure. I’ve met a lot of expats who seem like they are running from who they are or where they were and that isn’t always a good thing.
Thinking about your comment that unconventionality is another device for running away…It challenged me a bit – I like to think of it as running to something… something other than (away from?) the status quo perhaps. I think being out in the world is inviting in life of a different shade and slant. On one of my launchings several years ago, into I don’t remember what now, my mom asked me, “What are you running away from?” which was an unusual question from her anyway. But I remember thinking – complacency, boredom, mind-numbing routine. I think I’d answer the same now. :)
@Robyn – So glad you found me. Took a peek at your blog and I like your writing style. Sometimes I fear that unconventionality is another device to run away, but yet I’ve spent some very happy times and years doing this so far.. It’s like I’ve lived more in the last 3 years than I have in the last 10. Glad to stay in touch and connect more! And thanks for the kind words about my mom.
I’m very sorry about your mother’s passing. This was a beautiful tribute to her. I spent a year in China and was feeling very connected to your writing here as well as some of your other posts.
Also, I read your About page and I’m a few years older than you, also choosing to defy a conventional lifestyle for the beauty and experience of travel. I’ve been at it since 2010 and can’t imagine settling back in anytime soon. This is a great way to live life.
Thanks for your writing.
rc
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We are so sorry to hear about your loss.
This is a very honest and touching article and we are so glad we read it.
It is always hard to leave for long term travel because you don’t know what is going to happen.
Cody lost his Grandfather while we have been on the road but before we left he went a saw him.
His Grandfather told him “Don’t worry about me, I’ve had a great long life. Now it’s your turn”
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This is written with such beauty and understanding. What a beautiful and brave lady your Mom was. Moving away from home and family is so difficult. Being away at such a time even more so. Strength and blessings to you and your family.
The most beautiful part is you carry her in your heart wherever you travel to. That’s how I like to think of the departed who really touched my life. Their handprint is on my heart now. I carry it with me wherever I go.
Beautiful post :)
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@Raul – Thank you so much for the heartfelt comment. I think as we mature we finally see the larger picture of ourselves and our parents, which is nothing but positive!
First of all, sorry for your loss though it sounds she is in a better place now. Second, what a beautiful picture of your mom. Finally, what a beautiful reflection – you honor her which leads me to say, she succeeded in her most important role – creating someone who can appreciate the good despite the not-so good. As I have gotten older, I have been able to see that my own parents, despite mistakes made, were also people full of dreams, hopes, etc. just like I am today. I appreciate their humanity so much more now that my eyes are “wide open.”
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Hello everyone!
I’m going to refrain from replying to each comment, not because I don’t want to, but my message would be the same for every single one. So, please forgive the mass reply. I really, really appreciated each and every one of your comments, your hugs and your honesty. Many of you talked of losing a loved and know too well the surreal, shocking feelings that come with it. I wrote this with healing in mind and it certainly did that, but to be fair, I have been reflecting on this for a few years, knowing my mother may not last long. It was a big relief to see her one last time, touch her cheek and know she’s now a green leaf on a tree, the dirt beneath my toes and a swatch of blue sky. It was well worth the expense and sometimes headache (some disastrous events on the return flight) to be there.
Thanks again! XO
This was a beautiful tribute… it truly touched me. It’s been about 3 months or so since my father passed away and I know that every day I’m still grieving, whether I express it or not. Having a close relationship with my father and being a solo traveler in all aspects have shown me what I really love in life. I hope you find peace and are able to live each day to it’s fullest in your mother’s name. She must’ve been a great woman and will possibly be guiding you in your travels from here on out. I know that losing a parent is no easy thing to get over and I hope and wish only the best for you.
Sending you so many hugs. The fact that you were able to see your mother for all of her faults and problems and the context in which she lived is very impressive. I hope you have a peaceful time saying goodbye.
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so sorry for your loss :(
I was too busy to respond when this post came out but I wanted to come back to it. This is such a beautiful tribute to your mother. Parents are often flawed and yet their flaws are so perfect at inspiring us to go a step further. It’s hard to say that they’re really flaws then, but perfect opportunities to create the strength and beauty we will be. Big hugs to you and condolences to you and your family.
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A beautiful tribute to your mom! So sorry to hear that she has passed, especially with you being so far. I am sure so many parts of her will live on in you and your siblings! Best thoughts to you and your family. She is in a better place now, free of medications and illness.
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I’m so sorry to hear this sad news, Jeannie. It’s always hard to lose someone you love, and you are strong for writing this lovely post. Your mom was beautiful.
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Jeannie,
I am very sorry to read about your loss as I knew for previous posts you made how much your mom meant to you.
Please accept my sincere condolences.
May she rest in eternal peace
Berge
Great big supportive hugs from Shanghai, lady. I feel for you immensely. I’ll be waiting here for you with cocktails and lots of emotional support should you need it when you get back.
This has been on my mind a lot, over the years. I’ve been far, far away when other members of my family have passed and it was painful. Now that my parents are getting older (and my mother’s health is problematic), I carry the fear with me every day, wondering if I made the right choice to be living so far away from my loved ones. It was a choice I made, though, just as it was a choice you made– and it was the right choice. But it’s hard.
Your mother was a brave woman, going so far for such a risky prospect. Her life was hard and not what she expected but your tributes to her have been beautiful and respectful. You’re honouring her, I think, with your own brave travels.
Big hugs.
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This is an incredibly beautiful tribute to your mother, Jeannie. I love that photo of her too. She looks stunning, fresh-faced, and her eyes shine with possibility. I wish her, you, and your family peace and comfort during this time. Thank you, as always, for sharing so openly and vulnerably.
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I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I know what you mean about wondering whether this is the price we pay for this life. I found myself thinking the same thing when I was in Laos last year and lost my grandpa.
Sending you condolences and hugs from my side of the world.
There’s so much swirling through my mind now. About our choices, the things we let go, and how we often follow paths — consciously or not — that take us away from the values we learned from our parents. All that can wait.
Wishing you good trip back home. May it be all the things it needs to be. Bss.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful tribute you’ve written to your mom. So sweet & tender & honest. Thank you for sharing it with all of us.
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I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. What a beautiful post and a touching tribute to a very interesting woman.
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This is utterly amazing and totally overwhelming to read, Jeannie. I’ve got some ill-mom issues right now and hearing your thoughts at this moment has me just…beyond words and batting aside emotional tumult (It’s ok, I’m ok. Now repeat that mantra again and again.). I’m so sorry for your loss.
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I’m so sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with you. What a beautifully written post.
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So sorry for your loss.
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What a beautiful reflection you’ve written down. It shows a lot of insight and respect. I’m sorry for your loss and wish you a lot of strength and comfort
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Jeanie, I am so sorry to hear of your loss…prayers to you and your family.
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I am so sorry for your loss. My grandmother inspired my love of travel though she passed away before getting to see me realize my dream. I’m sure your mother was incredibly proud of you, just as I know my grandma would be proud of me.
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Aww, Jeannie, how sad. I’m sorry your return home has to be for such sad reasons. But hopefully seeing her one last time will give you the closure you need. And I’m sure your mother was much more prouder of you than you think. Best of luck to you.
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Beautiful words, and a remarkably beautiful woman, your Mother.
Having lost both parents now, I’m especially touched by your most thoughtful and wise remark “…she did the best she could.” Indeed. It seems you never truly “grow up” until you can finally view your parents as likewise young once, and after all, just human beings like yourself, who simply did the best they could.
That and, realizing that you didn’t just spring full-blown into the brilliant, kind and wonderful person you are via your own boastful bootstraps – but acknowledge that it was your Mother and/or Father that in large part, made you who you are today.
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Thank you for sharing this intimate and private moment with those who follow your blog. This is something that happens to most of us, saying goodbye to the ones who gave us life. My parents left long ago, my father when he was 42 and I was 21 and my mother when she was 63 and I was 41. They remain with us no matter what kind of relationship we had with them. Somehow, despite how rebellious or independent we become, they still are our foundation. Safe travels and God speed.
Thinking of you my friend. Your mom was beautiful. You have the right attitude about where she is now. Please keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing.
What a beautifully written post. I am so sorry for your loss and wish for you comfort during this difficult time.
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Thank you for sharing such a clear and beautiful reflection. This is amazing: “My beautiful mother now has ultimate freedom and that makes me soar along with her.”
Yes, travel is as much about goodbyes as hello. I wish for you all that your heart asks for as you vest presence to this particular experience. I am sorry for your loss, and grateful for what you have shared here, in this space.
I have traveled twice now to say good bye to people I love. It is so strange to be forcibly moved (whether by airplane, train, boat or car) toward something you don’t want or know how to do…say goodbye. I still remember the journeys there with more detail than the funerals or the goodbyes. Wishing you a healing on your journey. So sorry for your loss.
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This was beautiful.. I just started to follow you on twitter and the first thing I read from you is this… touching for me for more reasons than one. My condolences to you and your family..
Such a beautiful, honest tribute and tender words for your mother. Safe travels to you as you return home and I wish you comfort during this difficult time.
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