“I just don’t want you to come back after a year to nothing. You’re not young. If you were in your twenties, I wouldn’t worry so much. It wouldn’t be a big deal,” said my sister as she swerved the steering wheel to avoid debris on the road.
After some tension at New Year’s, we attempted to patch differences by having dinner at a popular fish n’ chip place. It was proving impossible to find a parking spot. With the Olympics arriving in over a month, newcomers are flooding into the city on a daily basis.
My sister grew more irritated as we zigzagged on side streets, I knew this factor added to our strained conversation. Travel has always been a touchy subject between us. She has never ventured overseas, claims she desires to, yet makes no changes towards this goal. Whenever I announce a trip, her general response is negative.
“I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, but it sounds kind of flighty.”
I don’t have to be a psychologist to understand her response stems from a number of reasons, fear of the unknown and probably a degree of envy. To pronounce that sounds judgmental, but to compare the two of us, she is the more cautious, controlled one, while I can be impulsive and carefree.
Not this time. I’ve pondered these changes for months on end. Probably years. However, her concerns are not unfounded. What if I fail in my quest to launch a travel writing career, have to face defeat, and end up at a measly cubicle job again? What if I return to Vancouver broke and homeless? What if this isn’t the right decision?
The major difference between us sisters is she only views the bad outcomes, while I always picture the adventure. My motto since self consciousness is based on the “either/or” scenario.
Would I rather live a comfortable, unchallenged existence until one evening while eating Doritos in my well-heated home, watching another travel show, I quietly die of a heart attack. Because I don’t know my neighbours and have groceries delivered, the authorities don’t discover me for 3 days.
OR
Would I rather experience a long-haul trip and after many months of travel documentation and meeting interesting, amazing people, I decide to skydive in Venezuela for the day, but my chute malfunctions, well… you know the rest. My international friends come to my aid immediately, hold a funeral where my ashes are scattered across the Caribbean Sea. Travel bloggers mourn and remember me as woman who loved travel, but most of all loved freedom.
My sister covets her 100 pairs of shoes, vehicle, fast track career, etc. There’s nothing wrong with that, yet when I propose an alternative lifestyle, somehow that equates to loss of control and shitty outcomes.
We can also apply the what if? to North American standards as well. What if you don’t get that promotion? What if you lose your job? What if you can’t pay the mortgage?
Anything and everything we choose can be wrought with fear. It’s ridiculously easy how our minds talk us out of decisions that feel right. Even more so when external forces offer a dissenting voice instead of implicit support.
Gunslingers in Westerns live by the gun, die by the gun. To translate, it means baring the essential reasons for making choices. Gunslingers don’t pretend to be accountants, this is who they are, so it’s about time to accept it.
Clocking in 9 to 5, come home, sleep, wake up, replay – it just isn’t me.
If you’re going through a life redesign, don’t be hurt or surprised that a loved one might oppose your plans. Most of the time this type of feedback springs from worry, fear, and lack of understanding.
A useful way to begin slaying negative demons is set aside an evening where you sit down in a quiet place, grab a pad or a personal journal, and scribble:
- Write down your doubts.
- Write down all the negative opinions received from loved ones.
- Write down what others/society expects of you.
- Now, utterly and completely ignore points #1 to #3 for a few moments.
- Write out a bucket list: What kind of life do you want to live? Most importantly, why? Whether related to travel or not.
- Be brutally honest with yourself.
- Map out the “either/or” scenario.
- Compare what you compiled from points #1 to #3 with your real desires. If it truly feels right, it probably is.
- Understand the essential reason for reconfiguring your life. As my sister pointed out, events might not turn out the way I expect. For me, it’s about the adventure and the process. It’s defeating to envision outcomes that haven’t even transpired yet.
- Finally – repeat, repeat, repeat. Do this until doubts are a dim hum. Respect that they exist, but don’t give them stage time. Own your honest choices, wear them with pride. Stay focused and strong in who you truly are. The more you do, any opposing opinion becomes just that. Opinion is not truth. Only you can determine your truth.
I keep this quote from Steel Magnolias close by when I skitter towards fear:
“I’d rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.”
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
@Monica – I hear ya, gal. My folks are also immigrants. You sound like an only child, so my luxury is I’m not. I have a brother and sister to carry some of the burden with parents. I am in a different position than you for sure, my mom already lives in a nursing home, while dad is long gone. I hope you manage to balance your desires and duties. :)
I think almost every person who decides to go down this path of extended travel or even a lifetime of travel face similar situations with family and friend.
I’m a child of immigrant parents. I don’t have the luxury of family inheritance. If this path of travel that I take fails me in the end, then I will have to struggle to provide not only for my but for my aging parents. And often times I feel like I only have one chance to make the right decision. So for me, it’s not so much will I be able to take of myself but more so, how will I take care of my aging parents too?
Thanks for the re-tweet of this post, Jeannie. Having a wave of insecurity today, so it was a nice boost!
I’m actually looking forward to the unsupportive conversation with the family when I break the news. My defiant side comes out when that happens. I’m half expecting to hear “See, Los Angeles didn’t work out, just like I said” after 21 years here.
:)
Hey Grrrl, welcome back! Hope your plans are shaping up. That Steel Magnolias quote is a gooder, ain’t it? And thanks for the great advice. Love the analogy of school and taking exams – keep my focus on the road and all will be well. :)
Your sister hooked me on the first line- she echoes the mean demon in my head. But I like your quote: “I’d rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.” Exactly.
I don’t want to say dream are worth more than money but they definitely are at times more thrilling and fulfilling when you make them happen. Hang in there!…Keep your eyes on your own homework and try not to look at other papers for answers. You may just get the wrong ones.
Hi Antje,
Thanks for commenting!
It’s typical, but not always their fault. We are taught those things (husband, 2.5 kids) make life special and fulfilling. Your mother was taught this, and so were you and I. It’s tough for someone we love hear us rejecting that lifestyle. I think it makes them question whether they wanted those things either. Again, there’s nothing wrong with wanting those things, one is not superior over the other.
Truly, it comes down to what makes you happy. It could be a Type A corporate job or joining an ashram. Your mother means well and wants your future to be fruitful, don’t be afraid to let her know that a certain choice will make you happy, if it doesn’t, you will change it.
I know how hard it can when others bring you down, or when inner demons stalk you – trust me, you are the sole controller of where you wanna be. I wish you luck, and do read tons of Walt. I also recommend Rolf Potts’ book, Vagabonding – An Uncommon Guide to Long Term World Travel. Feel free to contact me directly if you ever need encouragement!
Hey chick & rest,
can totally relate. It seems so much easier to tell someone else all the reasons why they should be strong and keep on going, than to believe in it myself when I hit the bottom and the negative toughts come creeping in. My mother used the all-time-low-blow: when I said that I didn’t want the house, the husband, the 2.5 kids, the big TV and the car, she said I was setting a bad example for my younger siblings (who are all adults, but who I still feel responsible for, for some dumb reason). Well, she used nicer words, but that was the meaning… I’ve declared 2010 my personal Walt-Whitman-Year and hope to “gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.” … the undeniable will is the hard part…
Seriously, you guys are leaving me speechless (still able to type though) with the outpouring of support. I had another rundown with the sis tonight. For whatever ‘reason’, the whole idea is offensive to her. Oh well, as everyone pointed out, if I don’t do this I will be miserable in the long run.
Shawn – maybe you’ll have a piece of floor for me? :)
Thanks everybody!!!
I totally feel your pain, In fact, just this evening over Dinner my mother said something very typical. I was thinking about doing a post about it. Then I found yours via twitter!
So you know sometimes I also wished that family members choose to be happy for us for who we are and what we want out of life. We all know that if we don’t do what we are aching to do, travel and see the world, we would be a much unhappier people in the long run. I’m already there.
So do yourself a favor.. follow your gut instincts, follow your dreams.
Hey, we’re in the same boat, around the same time, and from the same turf. So if you totally screw it up you can stay on my couch. Never mind that said couch is on sale right now so I can give it all up in 3 weeks to travel. You know what I mean :)
Thanks for the pumping up guys! This really helps. :)
I faced similar opposition from my mother. Her thoughts were that I should be looking to buy a house, find a nice girl and start a family. All that sounds wonderful but I’m not ready for that. She also used the your almost 30 aren’t you too old line.
After the initial shock phase she came around. I just told her that I may last 2 months or 5 years but its what I want to do. I’ve had regrets in life before and I wasn’t going to make this another one. There is just too much to see and do I don’t want to miss out.
Oh and my brother getting engaged help take the pressure off me :)
It’s never easy to hear negativity when planning a trip. I think we all go through it in some way or another. But if you’re doing something that makes you happy, then that’s what counts. They’ll eventually come around.
Exactly. But you know how it goes, it can sting from someone you want the most support from. Oh well, I have to live with myself. I told her, “I get where you’re coming from, but I’m doing this anyway.” :)
…don’t let it get you down girl. at the end of the day- you have to live with yourself. do what makes you happy, and after a little time, people will be happy for your happiness. :)