Breathing. We take it for granted. Every 15 to 25 minutes air is drawn in and out – through our nose and mouth. Lungs expand to take in that precious air. As it travels, our lungs process air into oxygen, which is sent to our bloodstream, jump starting our cells – giving us energy.
Carbon dioxide, the wasteful byproduct – is pushed from our lungs once we exhale.
Nature’s dance to keep our cells and bodies in harmony. So simple.
Yet, I couldn’t do it.
John, my scuba instructor subtly gestured to me – indicating we meet at the bow side for a conference.
“I’m sorry, we don’t’ have enough time to finish the certification. I can’t certify you today in good conscience. Your airway control is erratic.. and well, you seem scared down there.”
My throat constricted. Fight or flight. Instinct prodded me to deny it. Me? Why… I’m cold, blue steel. A courageous woman who leaps first, asks questions later.
I gazed beyond the bow. Flints of sunlight skimmed the choppy waters rocking the hull viscously. The water was unmanageable that day, so was his searing honesty. Slicing to the bone.
The boat carried two others who had excelled further than I. It was past midday on Christmas Eve. There lacked time to reschedule or even think clearly.
With unflinching shame, I knew he was right.
My boisterous character disappeared at a depth of 10 feet. The compressed air emitting from my tank felt ragged, like I could never inhale enough, sending panic to the center of my brain. Limbs froze, worse, so did logic.
I couldn’t perform the tasks associated with obtaining a PADI certification. And yet, when there wasn’t the threat of performing, I could relax and enjoy the sea turtle hovering below me or the school of large tuna swimming past. It was maddening, beyond frustrating.
The boat took us back to shore, I hung my head low, remained quiet and thoughtful.
A swirl of emotions battered from all sides, leaving me bruised as a peach. This was the first major failure in a very long time.
I felt stupid and defeated.
I counseled myself to not put this on the website. Admitting that I failed at something that I’ve wanted to accomplish for a long time is disheartening.
Images of childhood broke through suddenly. How my parents were so enmeshed in their marital drama that little time remained to throw a ball with me or run in the park till our chests ached from the overflow of activity.
I came far, didn’t I? It’s miraculous that I had the bravery to weigh myself down with a wetsuit and a 21 lbs. tank to plunge into a completely alien world – under the sea.
From lacking a sportsman bone in my body to jumping from my skin with wonder as a dark blanket of water surrounded me – failure might be a softer landing after all.
Going solo into the fire – gambling with chances – those are things I still do. And failure too.
Sometimes things don’t have to be perfect. They can be good enough.
Photo: Kate Stumbler
Popularity: 12% [?]
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m glad you’re feeling better about it. It would be so bad if one bad experience and/or instructor would prevent you from exploring more under water. It’s so amazing down there. Yet, it’s so easy to let something like that ruin it for you. A few years after getting our certifications, my sister and I went for a scuba dive in Italy with a dive guide there. He made us feel so stupid for not remembering everything and for being the beginners that we were that we almost quit that day for good. I still remmeber today how bad we felt that day about ourselves and the sport. Fast forward ten years and I became a dive master and my sister a dive instructor working in different diving centers and having a blast under water. Hang in there :)
My latest kick ass post is..Only in Texas: Texas Longhorn Cattle Sighting on a Road Trip
@Theodora – Oh Theodora, why are you so ridiculously sensible?
@Sabrina – Nothing to say here except your advice is 100% solid. Sometimes I need to have a one-on-one instructor and the group situation makes me feel even more pressured. Thanks so much! Thanks to everyone – you all made me feel better about the situation in general. :)
@Colleen Setchell – DAMN thank you!
@Kiri Bowers – Your comment is fully inspiring. I’m dying here. Tell me, did you pass?
@Andi of My Beautiful Adventures – You are such a beautiful light. Always. :)
@Dayna – You just wrote my thoughts. It takes me time to learn certain things as well – especially mechanical in nature. I think we should give each other high-fives for trying anything or everything. If you plan on trying diving, hope to get your take on it! :)
@Rease – Thanks, lady. :) You bring up an interesting idea! Someone once said to me he’s not a water person, but a land person. Skydiving, being one of his passions. I wonder if i’m just a dabbler in the water and more a land person? And maybe you are too? It’s strange, because I really love being near the ocean. That’s it! I’m split personality!
@Em30b430 – So true! There were quite a few people doing adventure dives, which is cheaper and another way to enjoy diving w/out the pressure of testing. Maybe this all makes sense – physical tests were never my forte.. give me a research essay or something academic – I ace it. Hmm… the light bulb just came on.
@Stefan – Holy crap! Talk about being bare to the world (in reference to the video!). At least you did it! Crocodiles, huh? My other fear is rats. Completely unfounded, except there was that scene in Indiana Jones when a shitload of rats came at him. *Shudder*
@Christine | Grrrl Traveler – You rock and I always regretted we didn’t have more time together. :(
@Janet – I think you have the right attitude, it’s about building up the confidence. I had to take adult swimming lessons, because swimming in deep water use to scare the crap out of me… now I’m better at diving, swimming and treading in deep water. I still have difficulty with strong waves — it’s all baby steps. Go girl! Hope you take up more water activities and it’s satisfactory for you! :)
@Gemma – Thank you thank you for the encouraging, supportive words!! :)
@Simon – Thanks, my dear! It was so disappointing because I had wanted to do it for several years.. and I can be over competitive with myself – impatient to pick things up quickly. You’d think after all this travelling, my patience level would be better!
@Rachel – I think being a confident swimmer is the key. I usually start feeling comfortable in water after 10 minutes, sometimes even longer.. and really didin’t factor that into SCUBA. Sigh.
@Amy – Awww.. thanks for the encouraging words! I hope to give it a go again!
@Bula @ The Irreverent Traveller – LOL. Awesome story.. that is exactly what cats do when scared! Images of mine (Amelie) clutching the door of her carrier, digging in with her claws to prevent entrapment is how I imagine you in that airplane.. However, you were trying to stay in, she was trying to stay out! You were fearless, you tried it right?
@Caroline @ Traveling 9 to 5 – Ooh, if you’re a very strong swimmer, you’ll probably be fine. I’m a moderate to mid level swimmer and that was probably part of my problem! Good luck!!
@Brooke vs. the World – One, your honesty to say you were on depression medication is why I love you! Some people wouldn’t be so brave to tell people that fact. I seemed to have this ridiculous block about performance based testing. It was damn annoying that when I was floating along with my instructor and there was no task required of me, I felt better.. And you’re right – the breathing is very different than above water. Good on ya for trying anyway, gal!
It’s awkward down there, so don’t worry about it! I was defeated the first time I had the opportunity to try a scuba dive and couldn’t because I was on depression/anxiety medication. Now that I’ve been off that for a while, I had the opportunity to try helmet diving — walk around under water in a helmet that kept your head dry. Seemed easy enough, only, I freaked out. It was really hard to breathe and I couldn’t focus on anything except for freaking out — not cool! I had to come up for a while before going back to finish up… but I was certain that scuba would never be for me. It’s hard to deal with that environment and awkward breathing.
My latest kick ass post is..Your Passport to a New Career: The World Nomads Travel Writing Scholarship
I just signed up for my open water course on Gili Air today… Excited/Nervous – Will let you know how my first experience goes :)
I felt the same way when I went skydiving. I was NOT the cool skydiver. I was the one who clutched onto the door right before jumping out like a panicked cat until my instructor pried my arms off. But I did it and now I can twist the story around to make myself seem fearless when I tell others… well, except for when I admit it on the Internet to people I don’t know.
Dude, I panic when I’m in snorkel gear – props to you for attempting SCUBA! Like the others have said, if you try again, you’ll knock it out of the park. After reading the things you’ve done, I have a feeling they’re right. Failure isn’t final, it’s temporary. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that you came across it (we all have at one point or another), but there’s not a rule saying that you have to stay there!
My latest kick ass post is..Our little cat burglar…
I don’t know if I could do it either… I avoid being in open water mostly. The one time I went snorkeling I basically had a panic attack right off the boat. I want to give diving a try but I suspect I won’t succeed… but it’s great that you tried!
My latest kick ass post is..Back in Korea
You don’t have to feel bad for that, Jeannie. For as much as I am a passionate scuba diver, I remember well how difficult it was for me to get my certificate, as I am scared by the water and the waves (would you believe that).
Nothing is natural underwater, starting from… breathing, as you say. And if you don’t feel comfortable, it can be very risky. Moreover, Scuba diving, as any other activity, is wonderful when you have fun. Which means you feel at ease.
I would never do white water rafting for example, like many other things. So no worries if you did not get your certificate. I’m pretty sure there are loads of other activities where you would be much braver than I am!
My latest kick ass post is..Postcard from the Cordillera Blanca
As I’ve never dived before but I guess it’s much like a lot of other things where it takes some people a longer time to be comfortable with it. All I’d say was son’t give up! You’re learning from this experience so keep going! :)
My latest kick ass post is..M to O of London
i love your travel essays. and how you write!
i think it’s brave that you even tried. as someone who doesn’t swim well, i know that diving isn’t for me and i have no problem in admitting that and even limiting myself from trying. it’s like how “running a marathon” is something that *sounds* nice that we should all try once to check in the ‘bucket list’ but i’m not a runner and really, it’s probably someone elses dream. NOT mine.
Though now I want to learn how to surf even though I’m not a strong swimmer. Maybe some day I could build up to snorkeling and then diving…
My latest kick ass post is..The World Needs More Artists, Not More Starving People
I love your honesty, Jeannie. It’s not defeat; nothing is final and it’s not like you’ll never do it again. The next time you come to it, you’ll know what to expect and you’ll nail it.
My latest kick ass post is..BB Cream: Korea’s Best Kept Secret to Gorgeous Skin!
You’re not alone – I know the feeling well, but thankfully have managed to confront and overcome most of my fears or at least can control the urge to run around in circles squealing. Crocodiles can still bugger off though.
It’s a shame therefore than when I realised I was truly frightened of jumping into water and was incapable of overcoming the fear, it was filmed. It is quite funny a video though http://www.stefancarlton.net/2011/travel/estelli-and-somoto/
My latest kick ass post is..Riding the Bamboo train in Battambang
I just got back in the water for the first time in seven years after a bad dive experience and I was terrified.
Don’t worry, it does get easier and as long as you’re enjoying the dives that’s the most important thing – you don’t need a certificate to have fun!
My latest kick ass post is about my dive: #9 Do something which terrifies me http://em30b430.blogspot.co.nz/
I’m glad you decided to put this on the website afterall. Sometimes people want to hear you aren’t a perfect, fearless adventurer. I have never tried diving, but it has always freaked me out a little. I grew up in Missouri, so fa from diving waters that it seems alien and terrifying to me. I’ll jump out of a plane or off a mountain, but into water?! Ahhh! I’m sure if you want to try again, you will and you will do better!
My latest kick ass post is..Why You Should Take a Vacation
I have yet to dive, but I am expecting my first experiences to be like this one – it takes me quite some time before I feel comfortable doing something completely new. I especially do worse in situations where there is pressure to succeed. Keep trying! Like everything in life, I’m sure it will get easier. Thanks for sharing your experience with brutal honesty. =) It’s hard to do sometimes.
My latest kick ass post is..Punk’s Not Dead. It just moved to the Balkans.
Oh no I’m so sorry you didn’t pass, but don’t give up! You can do it, I know you can!!!!!!
My latest kick ass post is..Andi’s Pick: The Fearrington House Inn
I know just how you feel! I am asthmatic and have been told that I shouldn’t dive. When I was in Thailand last year, the rules are much more relaxed and they said I could do it without filling in the health form. I was so scared. Your natural instincts tell you to hold your breath underwater but when I heard that this is the first rule that you simply CANNOT do when you have the regulator in your mouth, I was terrified. Don’t feel defeated. It is quite a skill but it is also a dangerous sport when not done 100% safely. Follow your heart.
I would say a DAMN FINE well done for trying…
Don’t feel bad or stupid or embarrassed. Sometimes it takes a while until people feel comfortable under water. And if you ended up in a course where other people were very quick to pick up on things, your instructor might have moved instinctively at a pace faster than you felt comfortable with. That can easily be enough to stress you out and mess with your breathing under water. I used to work in a scuba diving center at the Red Sea… Everything is so new when you do it for the first time and I have seen plenty of people freak out at first who ended up having a blast later. Scuba diving can be so much fun! Please, please don’t let this scare you or demotivate you to get your certification somewhere else. Choose a scuba diving center and talk to them, make sure you end up with an instructor you are truly comfortable with, and go for it again. It’s so worth it!
I did years and years of fun dives because I was too scared to go for certification and take my mask of. Fun diving is still open to you and you might enjoy it more — and give your PADI a second go.
My latest kick ass post is..The Friday Photo: Rice Terraces