As a solo woman in and out of the traveling world, I’m taught to be afraid. Do not walk alone at night. Avoid darkened alleys or an empty parking garage. Honestly, this makes me angry, deeply conflicted. Mixed signals abound when on one hand I’m encouraged to be forceful, yet fearful in the same breath.
I’ve stayed in hostels, with friends, guesthouses – where doom could lurk in any corner. Yet, I sense a general reluctance from fellow women travelers to use CouchSurfing.
Assault is a Four Letter Word on CouchSurfing (CS)
A 2009 Bitch piece by Mandy Van Deven strongly suggests there are flaws, this article was written after a 29 year old Hong Kong woman was repeatedly raped by ex-couchsurfing member, Abdelali Nachet, a resident of Leeds at the time.
Van Deven was quick to accuse CouchSurfing management of delayed reaction until a major news outlet broke the story. Furthermore, how paper thin their safety measurements are for women. What’s compelling are the comments.
Posted by kfon:
“I have used CouchSurfing with a partner in the past. It worked out incredibly well for us, but it’s not something I would ever use on my own.”
Or this one, by A Duh (!) Moment:
“Can’t fathom anyone thinking CS is a particularly great idea in today’s world. Heck, in any world. When would it ever be a great idea for a woman to stay over night in a stranger’s home? Is this something we’d do with anyone even right in our own cities and towns? I’d have no desire to put myself in a strange situation halfway around the world either. I kinda just don’t get it. Vulnerability is high on my list of red flag items. I simply don’t expose myself to ‘potential’ danger. It’s worked thus far.”
It appears overall CS is a fatal idea, and look what happened to her.
If you delve further some of the commenters sway towards personal responsibility. Use the groups and forums of CS to better protect yourself from harm. The conversation then hones in on racial/cultural differences – how dumb of her to spend the night alone in a Muslim’s man’s apartment.
That line of argument loudly implies safety is solely on the victim.
This leaves me wondering, is CouchSurfing a detriment to the solo woman traveler or a benefit? I say, both.
My Take
CS is a user generated website for travelers to provide/share accommodation or meet for a coffee or drink, even sightseeing. It isn’t freeloading, but a platform for travelers to connect culturally, and in a larger context, share our love of travel.
I view it as a microcosm, a word within a world, where a mix of single men and women, couples, and diverse personalities join. And this world is not without glitches.
A newly formed friend recently said, “I bet guys use this site to get laid.” Given my friend is a man, it was easy to bounce the comment back at him. ”Oh whatever, that’s what you would do.”
He had a point though. CS has faced controversies in the past with voyeur webcam guys or perceived inappropriate behavior by Ambassadors. Why, just two weeks ago a Montreal girl’s laptop was stolen by a surfer. She left him alone in her apartment all day, which apparently is not recommended.
The Leeds assault is an elevated animal. It was revealed Nachet did not have a fully completed profile or references, nor was he vouched for.
Misbehaving, cultural misunderstandings, all of these could be construed that CS is more of a headache than not, full of murky boundaries and a barrel of rotten apples.
On the other hand, Leigh Shulman has couch surfed for over 4 years and swears by it. In The Art of Solo Travel, author Stephanie Lee fully implemented CS during a year long sojourn.
Adventures of a Couch Surfer relays with glee the myriad of experiences the writer lived, most of them positive, grateful for a window into an exchange outside the standard hostel/hotel scenario.
If CS is truly parroting the world, negative and positive can’t exist without the other. As a whole, CS is a unique online community, and as it flourishes, goes through growing pains, changes are not only possible, but viable. However, change doesn’t happen without hiccups or horrible mistakes.
Since the high profile assault case members formed a For Safer CouchSurfing group lobbying for changes to the CS system. A list of those new policies can be found in the thread. Similar to interactions in the real world, the humans who use CS might have different agendas than you. This doesn’t make it automatically dangerous, but varied, rich, even rewarding. Even through mishaps we can grasp what to do next time. We have the capacity to learn, so flex those muscles.
Arm the Missile
The fact is no one system will ever be perfect. When travel became a beacon in my life, I chose to turn fear into knowledge. Travelers research trip ideas and destinations to some degree, the same applies to CouchSurfing. Address CS with logic, how you might choose a friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a trusted colleague.
It’s unfair to cast all men on CS as villains. Abhorrent behaviour is not exclusive to men, but to all human beings.
If you are considering CS, consider this:
- Utilize the groups. Independent Women and Tips for Solo Women are immensely detailed. Here’s a great discussion about safety: CS not always safe?
- Media outlets report on “persons of interest” by gathering information from news wires or police radios. That accounts for about 10% of the sexual assaults actually reported to the police. Why? A high percentage is domestic based.
- Sexual assaults often occur in contexts in which the abuser is in a position of trust or relation to the person assaulted, such as a husband, father, other relative, doctor, coach, religious advisor, teacher, friend, employer, or date.
- Determine what kind of traveler you are – CS might not be your cup of tea.
- An alternative website is Tripping, similar to CS, but they are developing a specific safety program.
There is no doubt CS requires effort, a palatable excuse to label it treacherous. Any adventure seeker will give this advice: travel is about risks, sometimes with astounding, psyche-altering results. CS is where you can meet life-long friends, or learn idiosyncrasies about a culture.
I’ve Used It
My very first CouchSurfing experience occurred 2 weeks ago. My host was a single man who lived in a loft apartment. I knew beforehand we would be sleeping in a shared space, but not the same bed.
I approached the experience confident in my knowledge, but open. CS is grounded on trust and sharing, I wasn’t about to cast suspicion on the situation unless he gave me cause. He didn’t, nor did I. The result was a stunningly positive experience. Will that happen again? I honestly don’t know. My mandate is to carry knowledge with me, and treat each CS experience individually.
I’m no expert, but having volunteered at a rape shelter taught me something valuable, intuition can guide you, while information can empower you.
Photos: Duncan, rileyroxx and kokorowashinjin
Source: Vancouver Rape Relief Violence Fact Sheet
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I do not feel comfortable with couchsurfing, and I wouldn’t want to take the risk of ending up on some psycho’s couch. Maybe I watch too many horror movies.
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@Jessica – Yes, there are myths and truths about CS. And the myth is everyone is out to rape, hurt or mess with you and that is simply not true. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Great post. When I told friends and family I’d signed up for CS, they all freaked out. I’ve never had any bad experiences with Couch Surfing, but of course there are some dangers. I always, always have a backup plan just in case I get a weird vibe. When I host, visitors aren’t allowed to be in my apartment unless I’m there too. It’s better to be overly cautious and use your instincts, like you said.
And on a semi-related note, I’ve found the worst guys in terms of looking for hookups haven’t been my hosts – it’s the local guys who go to the CS meetings where I live (Barcelona). They were more annoying than scary, but they were definitely using the ‘young foreign girl’ scene as a pick-up spot.
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@Amy – Thank you for your snapshot on CS, these kinds of things come with both negative and positive sides for sure. It’s always about being informed and aware.
I used CS for two years travelling solo around Europe. I did have some bad experiences, but I was always able to leave before they got out of hand (I left if I felt uncomfortable). If you travel for long enough using CS, you’re bound to have some negative experiences…. but you would have the same staying in hostels, I think. At least with CS you can choose who you stay with- in hostels, you don’t have any say who you are sharing a room with. And with CS, there is (supposedly) someone looking out for you. If you don’t come ‘home’ when you planned, your host knows. In a hostel travelling alone, I doubt they would worry or even notice if you weren’t seen for a night. I really loved getting to know my CS hosts and I definitely accept the bad experiences because I met so many amazing people! Not to mention I got to see a different side of the culture!
My latest kick ass post is..It’s All Greek To Me- Travelling in the Land of the Gods
Since that last post I made, I havent surfed anywhere but Ive hosted a number of people and plan to surf in the near future. Ive found most people are really nice, although I still would never stay with a single guy or host one (well, unless I was sure he was gay maybe). I have hosted mostly pairs of girls, but hosted a guy and girl together last night, which was fine. Im sure 99% of guys on CS are perfectly decent sort but thats just my comfort zone. I just dont feel comfortable staying with a single male, either surfing with or hosting.
@Ariawen – Very glad you found this useful! Good luck on your trip and just be aware, read everyone’s profile thoroughly and use your instincts! Enjoy every second!
I’m about to start a 7-month trip round South America and intend to try out CS so I’m glad I came across this post. I’ve had a surprising number of people offer to host me in Bogota (my first stop) – mainly young, single men – and it’s going to be very helpful to know what to look out for.
My latest kick ass post is..Embracing the runs abroad
@Hannah – So glad CS has proven invaluable to you! Good luck in future travels. :)
I traveled solo through the Middle East for 3 months and relied mostly on Couchsurfing for accommodation. As you can imagine, due to the culture of the region, it was difficult to find female hosts. I ended up staying with mostly male hosts and sometimes their families as well. All in all, I have nothing but good things to say about Couchsurfing. I truly believe that most Couchsurfers are generous and well meaning people. Of course, there are always the odd few who aren’t, but you can mostly guard against meeting those people by taking time to read your potential host’s profile and references. I’m currently planning to leave indefinitely to travel, and Couchsurfing will definitely play a big part in my travels!
I have couchsurfed approximately 8 times now and have not once, encountered a creepy situation. In addition, I have done 90% of my couchsurfing alone.
I absolutely agree with your blog that you MUST rely on your intuition as well as educate oneself on important tips to stay safe – especially for a woman. We do not live in a perfect world but that does not mean we cannot overcome certain fears and as a result, finding something even more beautiful on the other side. :)
Cathy Trails
Jeannie, people say the same thing to me as a gay guy when I stay with other gay guys. “What if he tries something on?” etc etc…personally, I’d just kick the guy in the balls and run like hell. I’m a pretty fast runner.
However, I get that it’s different for girls – I have seen profiles for some guys that are total creeps. I’m in Vilnius right now, and a recent event was created called, “CS Fantasy party” by a visiting Jordanian guy who was trying to lure girls to this apartment that he’d rented in order to have a giant orgy with Lithuanian women?! Thankfully his profile is now defunct, I assume someone alerted the CS admin and removed him.
For men and women, I think following your instinct is always best. You ALWAYS have the option to leave. Of course, not everybody listens to that nagging voice inside and by then, it can be too late.
I think CouchSurfing is an incredibly positive thing, but as with everything, caution should be used – meet for a coffee or a drink first, and only choose people with good references and that have fully completed profiles with lots of information and pictures.
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@Leigh – Thank you for chiming in. I know you are a long time Couchsurfing user and host, so It’s perfect to have you comment and offer your experience. I think it boils down to what you said on not reading references carefully. I also wonder if new users know how to read references for tone, language and authenticity. After a while, you can tell if a comment is forced, phony or ‘off”. I can’t help thinking about the airbnb scandal in this past fall. User generated sites are just that – monitored by the user. I’m not implying bad behaviour should go unchecked, but it helps to know you did the research and completed your piece in the process. That’s why the process is there, after all. I agree, it is about balancing intuition and trusting the decency of people.
I’ve been on the Couchsurfing site for going on 6 years now (which I can hardly believe it’s been that long).
We’ve hosted solo female travelers many times. In fact, an amazing woman just left our house this morning on her way cycling to Bariloche.
I have many of the same reservations with Couchsurfing as others. I’d like to see CS respond faster and take more responsibility for security on the site. I’m also not sure about how good an idea it is to have people connect and be friends with people they only know through Facebook because it waters down the references.
Some tips I’d give for solo female travelers… .read the references very very carefully. If anything strikes you as off, say no. Also, families and couples are a good bet as hosts, assuming they are active on Couchsurfing and have the references to show previous positive experiences. I also never host or stay with anyone who doesn’t have a completely filled out profile. If they have a website link, I follow it and read it.
You can also meet people through gatherings first before deciding you want to stay with them. That can mean meeting the same day as you stay. Or it can mean going to Couchsurfing events as you travel. Over time, you meet enough people and build up contacts, and it’s amazing how often travelers’ paths cross again and again.
It does take some time and effort to build up those connections, but these days, I know someone or a friend of a personal friend just about anywhere I go so I don’t have to rely on showing up alone at the house of someone I’ve never met.
But as Jeannie says, it’s first and foremost about trusting your intuition while balancing that with trusting that most people, at base, are decent.
@Elaina – Thanks for sharing! I think couchsurfing has its benefits and drawbacks, just like staying in hostels. Appreciate your comment!
I’m a pretty small traveler (5 feet!) and have couchsurfed through Europe and Japan, and remained no worse for wear – had a few interesting experiences though! The best ones are here: http://thriftyfingers.blogspot.com/2010/06/couchsurfing-verdict.html
Being a couchsurfer for more than three years, I have met my share of creeps who tried to get into my pants. Some suggested it nicely, while others turned nasty after I rejected their advances. It can be very annoying and put a damper on your travel experience. I consider myself lucky that nothing serious has happened to me yet.
But as a single female traveller, I have also met some very nice single male hosts who were clearly attracted to you but would not cross the boundaries. Here’s an advantage of single travel for attractive women: you are more likely to receive favors from people, while of course sometimes you have to endure mild sexual harassment. But I would still keep travelling like this because I can meet some really generous and nice people, male or female, both from or outside couchsurfing .
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