This article is part four of a seven part series on unplugging from the cubicle. Read the full introduction here.
I’m Outta Here
My lax nature caught up with me. Boy, was I clamped in that bear trap. My job is an exertion in paper. Push it towards someone, it pushes back to me, until I push it back to the source. Somehow a stack was adrift since December. The accusatory email laid bare the crime.
“Where are those documents from December 28? We’ve searched our files and can’t find it.”
My mind raced to reach the conclusion I most desired, “It was sent back immediately. I have the transmittal here.”
That would be outright lying. There’s no transmittal, but a dusty pile wasting away on someone’s desk. Memories of placing them on that someone’s desk were crisp, my follow-up is hazy.
Lax is a soft word for my state of mind. Dispassionate is the genuine one. Here’s an idea, craft email response to deflect.
“Hi D, I found the documents on YZ’s desk, they’ll come to you right away!”
YZ stormed towards me.
“Jeannie, what about these documents?!”
“They were given to AB in December, but you were away… we..”
“What about this email? Why were they on my desk?”
“I gave them to you after AB moved upstairs.. ”
“They were left too long, that’s not the procedure!”
“I know what the procedure is.”
He didn’t answer, but turned heel leaving sheaves of paper flapping with the force of his anger.
Then a sledgehammer bashed me squarely on the head.
Have you ever felt duped opening an innocent email, only to be served a nasty surprise? Imagine clicking on this:
“This is unacceptable. You do not blame your fellow co-workers for your mistakes. If I were King Henry the VIII, I could have you beheaded or dragged by wild horse alongside the River Thames. Oh, and I just cc’d both your bosses, because I’m a petty coward who lacks the balls to send you a meeting invite to discuss this privately.”
Everything boiled over. My skin itched, the thin tissues surrounding my corneas sizzled, my generally pale skin became the color of pomegranates.
The toppling point – 5 days a week, 9 hours a day was trying enough, but high school inter-office antics is another. I nearly leaped from my desk and walked out forever. Yet savings – not quite there. No gear purchases. Haven’t even reviewed visa entrance requirements.
Tears welled up in my eyes. My physical reaction to anger. Leaving was not an option. Instead I stowed away in a bathroom stall to calm down. Kicking the stall door also helped diffuse the erupting volcano.
Was I trying to cover up? Partially. Was YZ’s reaction warranted? Probably not. In a larger picture, a passive-aggressive email is a single tree felled in a vast forest by one logger.
What nagged me is this wasn’t a solitary incident. Within the past few months, my reactions grew from mild to erratic. Why?
Shades of Pissed
Not Just Outward, But Inward
Anger has fueled social movements and coup-d’etat’s throughout history. It will also fuel leaving the cubicle. This stage isn’t about setting fire to your desk and leading a protest by the water cooler.
Resentment will build at being there everyday. Frustration at lack of options to bolster change is a secondary layer to the cake.
What threw me for a loop is self-anger. It’s child’s play to blame an ingrained system or our spoon-fed North American lifestyle. Valid as they are, the root of my nonsensical behavior had to do with past life choices.
They sucked. And if all the Cosmo articles ring true, I wasn’t treating myself like a best friend would. After all, grasping life to the fullest begins with you.
I was livid, really annoyed that I allowed my cubicle nightmare to span years- another parallel to that co-dependent relationship I hinted at in stage three: Denial.
It was time my best friend booked that much needed spa appointment, nourished me with a sliver of dark chocolate and black, coconut tea.
“Sit down girl, I haven’t been treating you with respect or listened to your needs for oh, 7 years or so… Isn’t it time I did?” Damn straight.
Anger is symbolic of one thing - you settled for long enough.
I was thankful, for years the only emotion I could muster was empty air - an indifferent response to every speck of my life. Anger saved me from flat-lining.
Are You an Outie or an Innie? Or Both?
Anger Sinks You
Don’t let it. Yes, anger fires those dormant passions, but if you meander here, progress or change will cloud into conspiracy theories and project onto situations or god forbid – loved ones. Anger can consume, causing you to regret actions.
I know you don’t want to be a nutjob with a manifesto, but someone who thirsts for renewal, and most definitely someone who no longer wants to live with regrets.
Sometimes technology and desire reach a lovely symbiosis. That time is now.
As part of Generation X, I fought a hunger and restless nature, yet lacked the tools to quench those yearnings. The Internet highway gave me the means to channel that frustration into viable solutions. More so, amazing, inspiring stories.
Where To Put It
- Identify the triggers that cause frustration. External or internal factors? External can be controlled to a degree. Internal means building self-awareness. Work on both, noticing any changes in mood. You’ll feel less tethered to those triggers, more able to steer your life.
- Focus on the immediate solutions, then chart out long term ones.
- Immediate solutions: open a savings account for a travel fund, stop working overtime if you can avoid it, find a like-minded community prior to physically leaving a job.
- Stop berating yourself for the past or future. Concentrate on the process, not the outcome.
The Dream Maker Who Inspired Us All
Remember when Martin Luther King Jr. said, “I have a dream… ” He wasn’t the only one. We all have dreams. Don’t think for a second that Mr. King wasn’t angry, didn’t struggle with his feelings toward his oppressors.
Of course the apparatuses he sought to change were dissimilar to the cubicle. However, that sense of isolation is reciprocal, one person against an established hierarchy. How can I break free when so many haven’t? Become the Martin Luther King Jr. of your life, focusing that anger into something positive, soul-altering could set you free.
Photos: Martin LeBar, Meganpru, and Duncan under Creative Commons.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
@Sofia – The frightening thing is I am one of those people! Stayed too long, but no more!
“Anger is symbolic of one thing – you settled for long enough.” I like that. I’ve seen too many of my old workmates staying at a job they hate but don’t have the guts to leave, or worse, don’t know what else to do.
@TLWH – Oh my, I am the fantasizing queen. Most writers are. :)
@Joel – What a lovely analogy with the cue ball and placing things in perspective. Very true!
@Joshua – Well said! I agree that personalities clash, while management ignores the situation, because the bottom line counts more than employee happiness. I’ve worked with people who were grossly mentally ill – bipolar, thus abusive or out of hand. It aggravates me even more with the realization that what I do is not who I am.
@Keith – If anyone can, you could certainly relate to these stages. Somehow you write it better than me at Traveling Savage – evocative descriptive master. :)
@Erica – You and me… I rarely get very angry, but when I do – a waterfall occurs. I agree with Catia, the closer I get the harder it is to be here.
@Catia – Sizing up my anger always helps me too. Also, anytime I acted out of anger, it always backfired on me. It’s best to step away, breathe, and truly decipher what is nagging you. 9 times out of 10 it isn’t what you were angry at in the first place.
@Ayngelina – After it blew over, I did laugh about it. It’s a drop in a bucket of water. :)
@SpunkyGirl – Can’t get over how awesome your new site looks! You and I – can’t wait for that we say adios!
@Brooke – Absolutely on anger building! Bloody true. That’s when I knew – this time leaving had to be longer and permanent, travel also opens my eyes to different ways of existing, living and finally, making those large changes in my life!
Thanks everyone for your comments – man, my audience is full of smart ones. :)
oh Jeannie, great read! You’ll be out of there soon enough and laughing :) Anger is a tough one to deal with, especially when it comes in your work life. We often feel like we can’t express that anger openly at work – meaning we hold it in until the anger builds and builds and makes you incapable of seeing the situation for what it is.
I guess I was probably more like this in my past life and work before setting off. Since then, I’ve done a LOT of soul searching and value assessing – been through a lot of ups and downs – and I simply won’t settle now. Leaving to travel has been the best way for me to address my life and make changes as needed, when and where necessary, to find what works for me… so I don’t have to settle; so I don’t have to get angry (in a sense).
I can’t wait for your trip to start – I think you’ll have a similar experience :)
Um, yeah. I completely relate to the anger thing. I find the closer my trip comes, the more annoyed I get at the stupid little things people do at work. Some days I can hide it and some days I can’t. I have to keep breathing slowly and reminding myself that I’m leaving soon and the high school antics will be over and done with.
Can I say I just laughed out loud at that email. Who communicates like that?
You can´t let other people´s negative feelings impact you. Although times they did I just remembered that in a years time that the situation would be a distance memory.
Before I left I was a mess, angry, scared you name it… I felt it. I think part of it is that you see your dream of travelling long term is coming so much closer that at times the day to day of the cubicle feels worse than it ever has.
You have written some great ways to deal with stress and anger.
For me thinking about why I’m angry sometimes helps me find some good in it, other times I take the long view like Joel mentions.
I love your posts, keep them coming!
Wow. Your job sounds like mine.
Just recently I had a very similar experience. I was by far the most tenured applicant for a job position and I was turned down by someone who had been here about a third of the time I have, not to mention had nowhere near the skill set I did. And what do I do? I get mad and the tears start flowing. Apparently, because I have had this happen in the past, tears count as a big strike against me.. and its not something I can help. I can’t quit – especially while I’m in the works of a big backpacking trip. So right now, I’m keeping my head down and dreaming of Patagonia while doing my menial peon work.
I’ll send good thoughts your way. *pew pew*
Erica
I couldn’t stop reading this, especially the dread of opening a seemingly innocuous email only to find its surprising blast ringing in your head. You’ve found self-awareness and given inspiration. Thanks Jeannie.
Love it Jeannie! I look back at my own frustrating experiences in the workforce and wonder sometimes how I managed to contain my anger towards co-workers and bosses who did not have the first clue as to how to manage people or run a business. Most conflict in the workplace is caused by people, mainly high up in the chain, failing to take responsibility for their mistakes and using their position to blame those below them. Little wonder then that vast amounts of office workers are left frustrated with their jobs and angry!
As for dealing with it, you need a release. Something which allows you to express all that negative energy in a positive way. For me it is exercise – I go to the gym and bust out a massive session and release all that toxic energy. At the same time, the time ‘off’ mentally allows me to refocus and calm myself. It is a matter of finding what works for you.
Joshua
My biggest tip for dealing with anger is pulling back to take the long view. There is nothing happening today that will matter in the future. Things may require a different course of action, but ultimately 10 years from now, the incidents of today will be meaningless. It helps me to take that viewpoint and put it into context.
A little fact – if you were to zoom in to a cue ball until it was the size of the earth, it would have mountains and crevices far greater than any on our planet. Put in other words, if our world shrank to the size of a cue ball, the largest mountains would be imperceptible and the surface smoother than glass.
The long view makes the bumps shrink.
Daydreaming can help deal with anger. Imagine what it feels like to break the cubicle, then travel, then have to go back again to the cubicle.
That can usually make ones anger mute.