On the Shanghai Metro in happier days
This is why I’ve been so quiet the past few months. I was stuck.
And sometimes I just don’t want to air my dirty business on the blog. Or maybe you want to read about that guy who never texted me back after our date (his name rhymes with ‘alone’ – I’m not joking) or how that girl in a canary yellow helmet nearly snuffed my life out. I was standing, she was riding an ebike, and our bodies met in the most obtrusive manner. Luckily only my right hand and thigh got nicked.
And then there’s China. After the rampant discrimination I’ve faced in the past two months, my enchantment with China was over. I was ready to punch it in the face.
Them: “You look Chinese.”
Me: “Uh huh.”
Them: “Oh, you look Chinese.”
Me: ”Nooo, you look Chinese.”
Them: “You know, you look Chinese.”
Me: “Oh, you don’t say, I always thought I resembled her.”
I’ve never had to explain my face so much before. It made me lose heart in China. For a country that is developing at rapid speed, their openness to the world is smaller than I guessed. I wonder if the country can balance culture and technology as Japan has done so successfully.
I wavered between staying at my current university or seeking other new and exciting places in China or beyond. Countries like Turkey, Indonesia, Honduras, and even Japan flew off the map at my eager hands.
Then everything died. A string of nasty slammed me against a wall. First my current university inquired about my plans for next semester and when I dropped the hint that I might stay, it was explicitly expressed they needed less teachers than anticipated.
Japan fell through. Interviews and emails hung in the air, and my paranoia grew. Did silence mean I look too Chinese or did that request for another photo mean I look really Chinese? I couldn’t figure out who was feeding me truth or lies.
As I was feeling maligned and dog-eared tired it occurred to me that I signed up for this. Cultural exchange is not always a smooth road. All I could do was accept and move forward.
For the first time in the two years since I left home, I felt something alien. A surge of panic. Clutching at the tatters of finances and not knowing where I belonged.
But suddenly the clouds parted and a slice of sun warmed my shivering skin. A college at the same campus offered me a contract. Whee! Right?
It was odd. The coordinator kept pressuring me to come into his office – to seal the deal.
Maybe you can relate to this condition?
You read the reminder and purposely ignore it. You feel knots in your stomach whenever your brain dances with signing. That contract. The apartment lease. That commitment. A light sweat might form on the surface of your palms.
This is what I did for a month. Avoid any possible answer to staying in Wuxi. The horrible, shitty truth is I’m allergic to standing still. To being shuffled in a corner of time and never shake my head of the water to wake up and leave.
So while I panicked about what to do, the prospect of spending another five months here fed a deeper fear of wasting time.
See, I pledged to myself a long time ago to never feel trapped again. To always ensure life is lived with possibilities.
But practicality has twisted my arm. I am officially staying in China for another five months.
Do I want to? Not really. Will I make the best of it? Of course I will.
A life of adventure isn’t bloated with a parade of mind-blowing, good times. There are moments when we have to pause. Take stock of who we are and where we are at, before propelling to the next thing.
I promise to write more about China. I promise to write more, period. I vow to be more present. Isn’t that the best anyone could ask for?
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
After working in Mongolia for a year and returning to the US, the biggest thing that hit me was advertising. It seemed to be everywhere and on everything.
Second, white people looked too much alike and a little sick besides with so little color. It was hard to be sure if I recognized someone I had known casually. I’d wait for them to talk first.
Have you gone to Russia?
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@Nomadic Chick – Hey hey. Yeah I noticed my reply didn’t get posted to the comments. I thought maybe it was because I replied via email instead on here?? Who know.
I thought I was pretty good with IT until I entered the blogging world. I was so wrong, haha.
@John – Hey mistah, so odd. I saw your reply to my comment, but don’t see it in my comment folder on the backend and thought I combed thru spam well, but maybe it’s gone? Anyhoo, SE Asia will be awesome! Enjoy!
@Gillian @OneGiantStep – Thanks pretty lady! I am waiting for your first post from Thailand. Gonna be good!
@Hogga – Line em’ up and I’ll punch em’.
@Jessica – I hope to share more on this blog about teaching.
@Michelle @ Mishfish13 – Thank you so much! I’m glad you introduced yourself to me and my readers. :)
@Dyanne@TravelnLass – Yeah, suddenly China does seem more exciting than say – Kansas. Poor Kansas, whatever did they do to deserve such a bum rap? I’m a fan of HCMC actually, but I can see why Dalat would have been majorly cool!
@Ferreting Out The Fun – I like the way you think.
@Diane – I hope so, but experiencing the process is never fun, right? Glad I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Best wishes to you in 2013 too!
@Julia – Aw, thanks.. I’m definitely trying to look at it that way!
@Candice – Isn’t logic for science type people and not writers?
@Joy – I agree wholeheartedly on how one deals with their state of unhappiness. Especially when it comes to China. Lately I’ve met a few people who have lived in China too long and can’t admit it or feel they have nothing back home to hold on to, so they stay in an unhappy place, but continually blame China for it, instead of facing how they feel about themselves. I don’t hate the culture at all, except the reverse discrimination bit, China is fascinating for sure.
@Jessica – I heard of this book. On the list! Thanks for the recommendation.
@Leigh – My allergies are endlessly weird. Then I met someone recently who is allergic to saffron. Talk about having a ‘gourmet’ allergy. I know it won’t hurt to stay, so time to make the best of it.
@cailin – Oh yeah? Woot!
@GRRRLTRAVELER | Christine – I don’t know what’s worse to be honest. I feel both are unwelcome and shocking in different ways. You have the same genetic makeup that I do (kind of mutt), lol- people don’t know how to categorize us, so they fall onto what they know. I agree with you on how deep and weird the discrimination goes here. If a person of Asian descent is considered pretty or handsome, but speaks English they get it easier than someone who is Asian, considered a hound, whether speaking English or not. The measurement of beauty is ALSO a factor here. Yes, I can’t see myself living like this for years.
@Nancy Sathre-Vogel – Thanks Nancy, that’s exactly how I’m attempting to look at it. The benefits after will be worth it!
It’s all about knowing why you’re making the choice you are, and making it consciously. Sometimes we do choose to do something we don’t exactly enjoy, but there are other benefits to that choice. Sometimes those other benefits make it worth it. There’s nothing wrong with that. Make the most of your time in China and learn lots!
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@John – I can relate to your restless feelings and for me, staying in China is more for necessity, not exactly pleasure. It does sound like you stayed because you really do like it there, so that can’t be wasting time. Where do plan on heading next?
I completely relate to the fear of wasting time. I have been in Canada for 2 years now, and while I have come to love it here, the thought of extending my work visa has never crossed my mind. Around last August I started to feel very restless and at times anxious that I felt I had wasted too much time in the one place. I do love it here in Toronto, but it’s time to move on and see more of the world.
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Great post! I can relate… and more often than not, I’m categorized as Chinese. No prob, except I’m over half Japanese and of the other ethnicities, Chinese is the very last dribble. lol… Go figure.
Discrimination is the case with Asian countries and I assume it has to do w/ anything from the unconscious aspiration to be more Caucasian to having their own discrimination with differing Asian countries. In Korea, it’s the same & I’m very aware that my face (and ahem, my age) *might* be factors against me in getting a job, because depending on the school, it’s a ‘business’ and they’re selling young, foreign-looking teachers as a way to say they’ve got a better English program. If you import a car from Germany & it doesn’t look German then how are you gonna prove it’s an import? It’s hard not to take it personally; I suggest trying to see it as a business and saying, “I may look like you, but look at my face- I’m hot and I don’t come from here!” Looks are currency and status too, so work the money, girl!
While I haven’t experienced the ‘face of teaching English’ directly yet but feel the weight of it there, I’ve experienced different levels of discrimination in Korea. Either Koreans think I’m Korean & so I get treated with more rudeness than foreigners or I get older Koreans saying “You Filipino? Vietnamese? Thai…” Which is the other type of Asian discriminated against.
It’s one of the unpleasant sides of living in Asia … but are we discriminated any less than in the U.S. or Canada, where we’re a dealing the negative stereotypes of being Yellow and looking it? Faced w/ the two I’m not so sure Asia and their discrimination is as bad.
But give me more years in it, I might have a different answer.
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maybe this year I will finally make it to China and I can come visit you! :)
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So basically, you’re allergic to what most people do all the time. And most people are allergic to what you do all the time.
I find after 3 months in one place, I get antsy, but by 6, I start to settle down. I think it’s a really worthwhile experience to stay around and see how things settle. That probably sounds funny being that I’ve been living in one place for almost four years, but for the first 3, we had to travel every 3-6 months because of visa stuff.
Then we gave up on visa stuff (which is another story) and stayed put for a year. It was really lovely feeling settled for a while.
I hope you enjoy your months there, in spite of the weird reverse-not-reverse discrimination and careless chicks on bikes.
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China is a crazy place. I just spent a few weeks there and continually had mixed feelings about the country. You should read China Road by Rob Gifford. It helped me understand a bit more about the complexities of it all. Good luck!
I really admire your honesty! Thank you for that! I’m also glad you’re staying. During my time in China I thought MANY times about leaving and giving up. Of course, I’m white so we don’t face the same hard times but no matter what it IS a hard place to live – especially as a female of any race. Every time I got past a hard time I was glad I pushed through. Once I decided to be happy and stop feeling sorry for myself I felt much better. Since I made every decision to be there I was the only one to blame for my unhappiness and blaming yourself is no way to live. Releasing the blame is very freeing! There will be bad days but there were definitely be good days too! Staying present and accepting of the situation is definitely the way to get through it. :-)
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I hate when life has to get logical. Still, I’m glad you’re writing again.
I am so sorry to hear that you’ve been having a rough go of it. But I think things will turn around… you have a good spirit and you may be surprised just how quickly the time goes (or not, in which case… just take c0mfort in the fact that time isn’t ACTUALLY slowing down, and all you have to do is keep breathing to get to the end of it).
Sending you good wishes!
So glad you’ve decided to make the best of it and that you’ve taken the high road with a bit of humor thrown in. Nasty people are everywhere and we can’t change that. All we can do is decide how to carry ourselves. Seems like you have that down pat. :-) All the best to you in 2013!
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Wuxi has it’s own Starbucks mug, it can’t be that bad! I kid. Come to Shanghai whenever you are feeling down and we’ll go for a drink!
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“A string of nasty slammed me against a wall. ”
Oh dear. Truly sorry to hear it. But even we glamorous (NOT!) wanderlusts aren’t immune to bad ol’ “Yukkers” times (ask me how I know).
And sorry that you’re a smidge less than thrilled with another 5 months in Wuxi. But seriously – don’t view it as “wasting time”. I mean, heck – you COULD have signed a contract for 5 months in… North Platte, Kansas, or… Bismark, North Dakota for heaven’s sake (apologies to both those no doubt wondrous albeit somewhat less than dreamy places). I mean, at least you’re in CHINA – a most exotic country that many can only DREAM of.
And 5 months is really NOTHING in the big scheme of things. As you say, a good time to regroup before heading off to your next (no doubt amazing) adventure.
And besides, I too once bit-bullet and signed a 6 month contract to teach in sultry, nutso Ho Chi Minh City (when my heart was loooooonging to head up here to the coooool, greeeeen hills of Dalat). But I needed the experience, and the time verily FLEW by.
In short, if I can do it, my dear. So can you. And it actually wasn’t all that bad. I met some great people, furthered a most precious friendship w/ my chum Hang, and learned BOATLOADS from teaching all manner of students.
So chin up, my dear. I’m sure the next 5 months will pass swiftly, and no doubt offer untold pluses that you can’t even imagine just now.
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Hi! I’ve been lurking here for a while and just wanted to pop in a say that you’re an inspiration to me and I hope everything works out!
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I’ve always wondered what it’d be like teaching English in such an ethnically homogenous country. Love your blog. Don’t worry about the next 5 months – they’ll fly by!
punch it in the face!
Glad to hear from you Jeannie! Make the most of your time there – at the very least it’ll make a great story! Cheers!